The Disenchanted

I hate growing up.

I guess it’s good that I have parents to push me to succeed in life. Sometimes, though, that young adult mind frame takes over and I can’t help but push them off and say, “I can do it myself!” Only, I really can’t, because they’re the ones with the money, contacts, and experience.

This is really about me getting a job. Technically, I already have two. But one is part-time and doesn’t pay very well (it’s more of a hobby for which I get paid) and the other I haven’t contacted in months. Don’t get me wrong, I feel a lot of regret for letting it go on that long, but I try to comfort myself by thinking that I did try to get in contact. Like twice. I’ve realized though, I’m going to have to pull up my big girl pants and actually care about my future.

I’m not a little girl anymore. After almost two decades of everything I wanted being handed to me on a silver platter, it might be hard to adjust to not having that anymore. I talk about how people should follow their dreams, don’t bow to “the Man”, and believe in ones self. All of these things are true, but sometimes it just isn’t necessarily possible to do. The hardest thing for me this summer will be getting out of my dream world. How can I complete my fantastical summer bucket list if I’m folding clothes eight hours a day? Honestly, I don’t even want to show my face in that place, I’m so embarrassed.

It’s very disenchanting to recognize yourself growing up. They tell you when you’re young, “Just enjoy it; don’t wish time away!” Only I did enjoy it and I didn’t wish time away. I just want more. If I could go back to my sophomore year of high school for one more year, I would probably cry from relief. College tours were just starting, friendships were really getting close, relationships were stupid, yet wonderful. Now, life is completely opposite. Life really sucks. I’ve been procrastinating the oncoming suckiness, and I still have a small hope that I can prevail, but it’s all just so daunting. What’s a small little girl from a small little town against the entire universe? I don’t want to be sucked into the dreariness of a daily corporate routine. I don’t want to work for anyone but myself. I don’t want to follow the rules of the world. I want my life to be in my own hands. That being said, I’m pretty sure the only job in the world left for me would be God, and let’s face it, He does it an infinite amount better than I would.

So where does that leave me? Writing in my room, afraid to walk out the front door, postponing the oncoming destruction of my little, innocent soul? Maybe not. Maybe I walk out that door with perspective. Through my tumult of emotions and thoughts, maybe I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and instead of being afraid, work toward my ultimate goal while keeping what I want and who I am in mind. Life is a definite ride, and people always say that we’re all passengers. But I want to be the operator.

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